Yesterday, I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. I thought I was dying. My hands were shaking. My legs were numb. The edges of my vision became hazy and black. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was racing. I started to black out.
But I didn’t.
I clicked send on my email. Took the deepest breath. My vision cleared and my lungs filled with air. My heart continued to race, but I had strength and clarity. The world hadn’t stopped turning and the fires of hell didn’t rain down over me.
Why the dramatics?
Because I finally - after 7 years of torment – broke up with her. I did it! She tried controlling me one too many times. The voice of reason slapped me across the face and said, “Listen you stupid hooker, you don’t need to take this!” I think I was more scared of that than what I was about to do, but the important thing is now I feel FREE.
I still have panic and dread whenever I see her name or she calls my phone (all night) or texts or emails, or when she logs in and out of IM. I'm still shaky. But I'm moving toward the light... I'll delete her and block her over time. It's over. I am so relieved.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I am a Working Mom.
I was emailing a friend today about stay at home moms and how I can’t ever be one. It’s fine if you call me a weakling. I’ll go ahead and admit that I am. I have limits. I do love my kids and I cherish the time that I spend with them because I work out of the house. When I had just one kid, I longed to stay home with her. I didn’t mind giving up all of my time, hobbies, appearance and sleep just to dote on her. She benefitted from that. I am positive that all the time I spent with her has made her the smart and positive child she is today.
However, things changed when I had my 2nd child. He was and always has been excessively needy. Devilishly cute, cuddly and loving – don’t get me wrong – this kid is amazing. He just sucks the life out of me, though. His needs trump everything and everyone else. He is temperamental, and at age 2, we’re all conditioned (my oldest included) to jump to his every beck and call because NO ONE wants to see the beast. Because of that, my patience for my children has become limited. The time that I spend with them in the evening is very hands-on. We play together – everything from dress up tea-parties to hide and seek, tag, board games, reading, wii. I don’t sit and watch my kids play because I am away from them for so many hours each day and I miss them.
Lou is 6 now. She was home sick from school yesterday. Our day was pleasant, despite her illness. She is self-sufficient. She is easily amused. She is not demanding and so very easy going. She literally spoiled me by being my first experience as a mommy. If I’d had devil child first, he would most likely be an only child. I spent all day with her, loving the rare time we get to be alone together. At 4pm, I picked up Devil Child from daycare, and the demands began. In the 4 hours until bedtime, I felt my exhaustion increase 10 fold and my patience decrease to negative 100. I found myself snapping and twitching at both of them, which was totally undeserved because they were both doing exactly what they do every night – being kids. I realized that I’ve become conditioned to only dealing with them for 4 hours a night, and anything over that is cutting into “me” time. I’ll admit, I’m selfish. I NEED “me” time. Add to the fact that I have a husband – with whom I carpool everyday (2 hours) , take lunches with (1 hour) and then spend at least 2-3 hours with at night hanging out... There’s little to no “Me” time in there, EXCEPT for the time I’m at work. Weekends never seem to bother me. I’m up with the kids each morning and our days together are fantastic, even if we don’t leave the house the entire time. I never get overwhelmed on the weekends like I do on a weeknight.
Aside from “Me” time, I also require peace and quiet, something that is rare when more than one child is in a room. My ears/head/sensory can only handle so much before I feel overloaded and panicky. It’s something I’m working on, but it takes a lot to overcome. I found myself saying a little mental prayer for all the SAHM out there – those brave, saintly souls. I bow to you. I appreciate you. I will never be like you, and that’s ok.
However, things changed when I had my 2nd child. He was and always has been excessively needy. Devilishly cute, cuddly and loving – don’t get me wrong – this kid is amazing. He just sucks the life out of me, though. His needs trump everything and everyone else. He is temperamental, and at age 2, we’re all conditioned (my oldest included) to jump to his every beck and call because NO ONE wants to see the beast. Because of that, my patience for my children has become limited. The time that I spend with them in the evening is very hands-on. We play together – everything from dress up tea-parties to hide and seek, tag, board games, reading, wii. I don’t sit and watch my kids play because I am away from them for so many hours each day and I miss them.
Lou is 6 now. She was home sick from school yesterday. Our day was pleasant, despite her illness. She is self-sufficient. She is easily amused. She is not demanding and so very easy going. She literally spoiled me by being my first experience as a mommy. If I’d had devil child first, he would most likely be an only child. I spent all day with her, loving the rare time we get to be alone together. At 4pm, I picked up Devil Child from daycare, and the demands began. In the 4 hours until bedtime, I felt my exhaustion increase 10 fold and my patience decrease to negative 100. I found myself snapping and twitching at both of them, which was totally undeserved because they were both doing exactly what they do every night – being kids. I realized that I’ve become conditioned to only dealing with them for 4 hours a night, and anything over that is cutting into “me” time. I’ll admit, I’m selfish. I NEED “me” time. Add to the fact that I have a husband – with whom I carpool everyday (2 hours) , take lunches with (1 hour) and then spend at least 2-3 hours with at night hanging out... There’s little to no “Me” time in there, EXCEPT for the time I’m at work. Weekends never seem to bother me. I’m up with the kids each morning and our days together are fantastic, even if we don’t leave the house the entire time. I never get overwhelmed on the weekends like I do on a weeknight.
Aside from “Me” time, I also require peace and quiet, something that is rare when more than one child is in a room. My ears/head/sensory can only handle so much before I feel overloaded and panicky. It’s something I’m working on, but it takes a lot to overcome. I found myself saying a little mental prayer for all the SAHM out there – those brave, saintly souls. I bow to you. I appreciate you. I will never be like you, and that’s ok.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Yeaaaaaa. I'm 15.
1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
A slice of Rosati’s pizza.
2. Where was your profile picture taken?
My desk at work
3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
Yea but I get boooo’d
4. Name someone who made you laugh today?
Co workers making bad decisions
5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
10:30. Been calling it earlier this week due to feeling like shit. And because that’s when the benedryl kicks in.
6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes, I want to move south. I love the south. I was not meant to be a northerner.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Probably
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you on Facebook?
Probably my mom.
9. Do you believe ex’s can be friends?
Idealistically, yes. Realistically, no.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
LOVE IT. One gulp.
11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Really hard? It’s been a while, thankfully. A few months at least.
12. Who took your profile picture?
No one, it’s still there. Right where I left it. Whew, I was scared for a minute!
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Oh, this is the one where you catch me being a crazy cat lady. The last “person” I took a picture of was Billie.
The last PICTURE I took was of the wall in the locker room where I squished a bug with my shoe 5 years ago. It’s carcass is still there.
14. Was yesterday better than today?
Yes, fabulously better. I was out of the office on a video shoot most of the day AND somone bought me lunch AND I got to back to my old job and see all my old friends.
15. Can you live a day without TV?
I go several days without watching TV. Just please don’t take my books. What will my brain do without the distraction?
16. Are you upset about anything?
Not today. I’m a little stressed over the logistics of getting to Milwaukee tomorrow. And maybe a little peeved at “mommy groups” in general with their “I’m so offended” statements.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes...
18. Are you a bad influence?
Probably. It doesn’t take much to get me off course and I’m dragging you with me.
19. Night out or night in?
OUT, I’m IN all the time.
20. What items could you not go without during the day?
My “Jug O Water”, trusty vanilla chapstick, lotion for me dry hands, a spotty Irish accent. Carbs.
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
My mother in law.
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
Mara lost a tooth!!! << that’s funny because I have no idea who Mara is. My husband is a texting idiot.
23. How do you feel about your life right now?
Rather swell actually. I know I should probably take my temp to make sure I’m not ill.
24. Do you hate anyone?
Don’t really have it in me. I find Hate to be temporary and emotion driven. I have no short term memory.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find?
Lots of boring messages to my aunt and cousin, a long stream of conversations to a particular friend, some invitations and not much else.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Depends on what they’re testing for. *smiles*
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes. I trust she was being facetious. NO that’s not the right word, damn my vocabulary. She said it intending for me to believe she meant it, but my distrust for her led me to believe she was being disingenuous.
28. What song is stuck in your head?
New Perspective.... Panic at the Disco.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
Goodlord, if it aint Johnny Depp or a Followill, don’t even bother.
30. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
It could happen... My oldest would be 27.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow:
Ugh, tomorrow. I have to lend my stereo to my sister in law, attend my niece’s Hollywood themed birthday party, drive my kids up to my parents, then drive all the way to Milwaukee. Up until actually arriving in Milwaukee, I am DREADING the rest of the day
32. Do you think too much or too little?
Used to be an overthinker, but lately I’ve been able to swing the other way
33. Do you smile a lot?
I do.
A slice of Rosati’s pizza.
2. Where was your profile picture taken?
My desk at work
3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
Yea but I get boooo’d
4. Name someone who made you laugh today?
Co workers making bad decisions
5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
10:30. Been calling it earlier this week due to feeling like shit. And because that’s when the benedryl kicks in.
6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes, I want to move south. I love the south. I was not meant to be a northerner.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Probably
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you on Facebook?
Probably my mom.
9. Do you believe ex’s can be friends?
Idealistically, yes. Realistically, no.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
LOVE IT. One gulp.
11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Really hard? It’s been a while, thankfully. A few months at least.
12. Who took your profile picture?
No one, it’s still there. Right where I left it. Whew, I was scared for a minute!
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Oh, this is the one where you catch me being a crazy cat lady. The last “person” I took a picture of was Billie.
The last PICTURE I took was of the wall in the locker room where I squished a bug with my shoe 5 years ago. It’s carcass is still there.
14. Was yesterday better than today?
Yes, fabulously better. I was out of the office on a video shoot most of the day AND somone bought me lunch AND I got to back to my old job and see all my old friends.
15. Can you live a day without TV?
I go several days without watching TV. Just please don’t take my books. What will my brain do without the distraction?
16. Are you upset about anything?
Not today. I’m a little stressed over the logistics of getting to Milwaukee tomorrow. And maybe a little peeved at “mommy groups” in general with their “I’m so offended” statements.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes...
18. Are you a bad influence?
Probably. It doesn’t take much to get me off course and I’m dragging you with me.
19. Night out or night in?
OUT, I’m IN all the time.
20. What items could you not go without during the day?
My “Jug O Water”, trusty vanilla chapstick, lotion for me dry hands, a spotty Irish accent. Carbs.
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
My mother in law.
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
Mara lost a tooth!!! << that’s funny because I have no idea who Mara is. My husband is a texting idiot.
23. How do you feel about your life right now?
Rather swell actually. I know I should probably take my temp to make sure I’m not ill.
24. Do you hate anyone?
Don’t really have it in me. I find Hate to be temporary and emotion driven. I have no short term memory.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find?
Lots of boring messages to my aunt and cousin, a long stream of conversations to a particular friend, some invitations and not much else.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Depends on what they’re testing for. *smiles*
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes. I trust she was being facetious. NO that’s not the right word, damn my vocabulary. She said it intending for me to believe she meant it, but my distrust for her led me to believe she was being disingenuous.
28. What song is stuck in your head?
New Perspective.... Panic at the Disco.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
Goodlord, if it aint Johnny Depp or a Followill, don’t even bother.
30. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
It could happen... My oldest would be 27.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow:
Ugh, tomorrow. I have to lend my stereo to my sister in law, attend my niece’s Hollywood themed birthday party, drive my kids up to my parents, then drive all the way to Milwaukee. Up until actually arriving in Milwaukee, I am DREADING the rest of the day
32. Do you think too much or too little?
Used to be an overthinker, but lately I’ve been able to swing the other way
33. Do you smile a lot?
I do.
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